Elaine Davies
Finding out that we’re pregnant, depending on what stage we are in our lives, can bring a range of reactions from pure joy to utter shock.
Whatever the reaction, as long as us mothers decide to continue with the pregnancy and all goes well, some months later we rejoice the birth of a baby boy or a baby girl.
It’s black or white. Boy or girl. At least that’s how I grew up.
From pop culture, to the news, to teachers, my peers and my family – binary ignorance came at me from every angle. There was no room for any grey, or should I say rainbow area, in our rigid world. Being a straight, Western woman, not only did I blindly buy into the story that the world was purely made up of men and women, I also believed that our so called “educated world” new best. I questioned nothing.
The interesting thing is, the gender certainty that our straighty-180 Western society held so closely, for so long, wasn’t the norm.
Throughout recorded history, hundreds of distinct societies, on nearly every continent, have had thriving cultures who accepted three genders as the norm. Importantly, the androgynous, gender-fluid, non-determinate, or more commonly, third-gender were revered as the fabulous people they are – many still are. They held unique and important positions like artists, ceremonial & spiritual leaders, warriors, protectors and much more for thousands of years.
The World Of Non-Binary
Let’s go on a global exploration of these wonderful societies:
- Brotherboy and Sistergirl of Australia and Torres Strait Islands: Sistergirl is a person with a female spirit who takes on female roles and Brotherboy is a person who has a male spirit and takes on male roles. Both have a strong sense of their cultural identity and live traditional lives. Non-trans but non-conforming Aboriginal people also use these terms.
- Māhū of Hawaii and Tahiti: The Māhū describes a person with a third gender who were assigned important, spiritual and social roles. Traditionally, they were assigned male at birth, but in modern usage māhū can refer to a variety of genders and sexual orientations.
- Calabai and Bissue of Indonesia: Calabai, assigned female at birth, present as traditional men, often overseeing ceremonies, including weddings. Bissu hold a spiritual role and are thought to bridge the worldly and the divine. They often wear flowers and carry sacred daggers to symbolize their expansive identity.
- Bakla of the Philippines: Historically, bakla were considered to encompass masculinity and femininity and were often community leaders. The bakla community has diminished but it still exists.
- Muxes of Mexico: Assigned male at birth, they embrace a feminine identity. While muxepeople are respected, they endure certain restrictions like being prevented from living with their intimate partners or leaving their family homes.
- Sekrataof Madagascar: Assigned male at birth, after displaying so-called feminine behaviour, they are raised as feminine girls. They are accepted as sacred and again undertake important responsibilities like ceremonial work.
- Nádleehi or Two Spirit of North America: A person who cannot be described in terms of rigid gender binaries. Two-spirits are seen as being uniquely able to see life from both male and female perspectives and can bridge the differences between them.
And why stop at three genders? The Native Americans deserve a special mention for having accepted FIVE GENDERS, until the Europeans turned up. Beautiful stories have been written about this society such as Two Spirits, by Fred Martinez. Two Spirits was not a boy who wanted to be a girl, but both a boy and a girl — an identity his Navajo culture recognized and revered as nádleehí.
Whether these societies were actually nonbinary or heterosexual ones which accepted all spectrums of gender and sexuality, they thrived until the arrival of the British and Europeans. Once they started conquering, with their scary guns and beliefs, their bigoted views quickly became the norm. People who sat outside of the male & female “norm” were ostracised, persecuted, imprisoned and worse. It was either accept their ways or perish – I know which I would have chosen!
In a very short amount of time, the European invasion wiped out a beautiful way of living and age-old wisdoms that had built up over millennia.
Modern Day
Over the last 40-years levels of acceptance of the “queer” world have gradually softened. However, modern day terms such as transgender and gay are strictly new constructs that assume three things:
- There are only two sexes (male/female)
- There are only two sexualities (gay/straight)
- There are only two genders (man/woman).
When we think of the word transgender, we assume someone is transitioning from one gender to the next and while that’s a possibility, it’s not always the case. There is a third option and that is non-binary – a person who doesn’t relate to either gender and sits quite comfortably, thank you very much, smack-bang in the middle of male and female. A place where many of our children are comfortable being. These people are our “theys” or “ze/hirs”.
I often hear people complain about using these so called new pronouns and sure, it can be difficult to get used to, but let’s get real here. Getting used to a new pronoun is not as difficult as being constantly misgendered. If you’re a man, how would you like to be addressed as “she”? Or vice a versa?
My Little Ze
When I found out I was pregnant, my husband and I had decided not to find out the sex of our unborn baby but I knew that a little boy was growing inside me. I felt it in every fibre of my being. I mean, no dainty little girl could possibly kick that hard!!
Being a so-called “older Mum”, I decided to get my amniotic fluid tested to see if my baby boy had down syndrome. When the nurse called me with the result she asked if I would like to know the sex of my child and without much thought (and certainly without consulting my husband) I said, “yes, sure”. She said with an excited squeal, “it’s a girl” and I promptly burst into tears.
I think about that often and the truth is, I still don’t really know why I felt so confused or what garnered that knee-jerk reaction. I just knew that something felt wrong.
I didn’t tell anyone about my so-called hormonal outburst, not even my husband and went onto have the most stunning baby girl.
Of course, I was excited. A girl! Someone to dress in outrageously frilly dresses and generally fall into a world of feminine luxury with.
With those huge blue eyes, white blonde hair and angelic face, my little “daughter” couldn’t have looked more feminine but from the second “she” could talk, things took an interesting turn.
“She” looked aghast at pink dresses, threw dolls around the room but LOVED a car or a truck.
I could see that I had one heck of a tomboy of my hands!
All the pink dresses got put away and we went shopping in the boy’s department for the ugliest shorts and T-shirts you could imagine. “She” wouldn’t even look at “nice” shirts or pants. In “her” opinion the bigger, blacker and baggier an item of clothing was, the cooler it was.
I was of the opinion, “so what?” This little soul was so happy, mischievous, creative, loving and full of life, who was I to upset “her” by trying to force a pink tutu? Also, my child has always been incredibly stubborn and when I tried to get my 2-year-old to wear a skirt and pair of tights, for a particularly posh Christening we had to go to, we had a physical floor rumble with me coming off the worst for wear! I did manage to persuade her into the outfit but that was the second last time “she” wore a girl’s outfit, as a toddler.
I think back now and realise how alone we were and how determined society was that she was a girl.
Twenty years later, society has come a long way.
Now, us oldies get into trouble from many of our “woke” adult children for daring to ask the gender of a child when its born. Who would have thought that such a seemingly benign question of curiosity and joy could become such a hot potato?
On being reprimanded for daring to ask, one of my friends said, “ok, can I ask, does it have a penis or a vagina?” Fair question! But the truth is, even that physicality doesn’t necessarily give us the gender.
To find out our child’s gender, maybe, just like the indigenous Indians of North America we should ponder the idea of dressing our children in unisex clothes until they themselves can tell us or show us what gender they are comfortable with?
There’s no doubt that the transgender and nonbinary tide is positively turning but I worry that new found acceptances can turn, in the blink-of-an eye. Let’s not let this happen.
Why not allow the next generation of little souls the freedom to truly be themselves? Why not be understanding but more importantly, curios and see where conversations take us? If your child tells you that they are not happy in their gender, why not believe them? Why not give them the freedom to express who they really are so that they can grow into who they were born to be?
Maybe it will be a phase and they will turn back to the gender they were assigned at birth? I’ve no idea where any child’s gender journey will take them and their family but let’s find out together.
Maybe, one day, in our Western straighty 180 culture, our androgynous, gender-fluid, non-determinate, or more commonly, third-gender children and adults will again be celebrated for their deep understanding and wisdom and once more revered as our societal and spiritual leaders.
