Kiddipedia
It started early in her life and like any form of abuse the effects have been lifelong.
From the age of 3 we have established our subconscious beliefs about ourselves and found our coping strategies that will sit with us lifelong unless we have recognised and found ways to heal.
While many will say it’s sibling rivalry, in many cases it is so much more and when not addressed and acted upon by parents with corrective action, the impacts for the target child can be debilitating. It affects every aspect of growth, health and relationships.
Research shows that the target child’s brain memory links bonding with trauma as so begins the pattern of this child attracting abusive relationships.
What is the difference between “sibling rivalry” and “sibling abuse”?
What happened? Why was it not addressed? ………………….
From a very early age she feared her elder sister, though back then she was told by her mother “don’t let her know it upsets you and she will leave you alone”. Every day, she treaded on eggshells, she didn’t know if it was her day to be the target and just hoped it was someone else’ turn. You just never knew when it was going to “hit”.
From an early age, she learnt it was not safe to stand out in any way as this would make her “target practice”. This holds true to this day.
Stealth attacks … “Big sister” was savvy from an early age in her ability to attack under the radar, but very vocal when any of her siblings retaliated and quite creative with believable story telling. She would call her target names, accuse her of things, gaslight her, tell other people that she said and did things that she had not, but never when anyone else could witness the truth. She even went to the level of saying that her target lit a fire at the age of three, which everyone, including her target believed for many years. In later years, she sent a letter to her and her employers threatening legal action and accusing her of pretending to be something she was not qualified to be.
Lies, Lies and more lies … Nothing was ever her fault; it was always twisted to be someone else’. In adult years, she used this to tell lies to others to build her teams and turn family members against her target when they chose to believe. When she was called her out, she neither apologised, acknowledged fault or denied she had done it, she simply said that she would no longer see her as family or have anything to do with her. This was her way of punishing her and keeping her silent.
The teams … her team play as with all narcissists started early. You “knew” that you were either “on her team” or you were the target of the team. This holds true to this day. She still has her team and you know you are not on it.
Manipulation on steroids … you would do anything not to be the target and because her target still had the belief that family members have your best interest at heart, this gave her control. This played a role later in life, in both the choosing of my partner and when I asked her professional advice (stupidly) on leaving that abusive relationship. I found later that to this day, her and the abuser remain friends and I guess “team members”.
This article relates to my experiences, though it could have been written with slight changes by many others, both in my family and I can only assume for others in all other areas of her life as with any narcissist.
My parents on some levels knew it was a problem and I believe that they handled it in the best way they knew how, giving us ‘turns’ of sharing a room with her, knowing that we could only do it for so long before it was too much. I guess too, as they suggested, looking back if we hadn’t reacted maybe, she would have been less hurtful … maybe??
With so much knowledge and awareness now in regard to abusive relationships, I believe it is time to also address this aspect.
While it is not the case for all, it needs to be recognised as one of the key underlying beginnings for both the abuser and the victims. Leaving it unaddressed, sends the message to both, that, this is ok!
