Kiddipedia
You may have been separated for a long period of time, or you may be new to the world of co-parenting. There may have been significant change during the year, you may have moved house, your job may have changed, you may have a new partner, your children may now be teenagers. Whatever your situation, be sure you and your former partner are clear on how the day will unfold. Santa should be the only one to bring surprises on Christmas Day.
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Do not assume anything.
Make sure you and your former partner have discussed and agreed on the arrangements for Christmas Day well in advance. Christmas arrangements should be part of your Parenting Plan and be organised months ahead of time. Even if you have had the same arrangements for years, confirm, confirm, confirm. If you give individual gifts, make sure you haven’t doubled up. Are you spending Christmas together as a family? What do you need to bring? If not, double-check drop-off and pick-up times; scheduling is the key to getting everywhere you need to be with the minimum of fuss on Christmas Day.
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Be on time.
Being late is inconsiderate of the other parent and your children. If you have organised to be somewhere at a certain time, be there. If you are unavoidably detained (it would need to be something catastrophic) and are going to be late, call your former partner to let them know. Being late can interfere with the other parent’s plans and leave your children feeling hurt and disillusioned. If your children are old enough to know the time, or you have confided in them when you will be picking them up, they will know if you are late and they will internalise their disappointment. So don’t spoil your child’s day; Christmas is about children, so don’t be late, and don’t be early either! Don’t encroach on the other parent’s time or expect to be invited in. You both love these children and what to spend time with them, be considerate of each other.
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Stay out of conflict with the other parent.
Even if you and your former partner don’t get on, don’t let your children see it, and don’t involve them in any discussion about the other parent. Your children love you both and want to make you both happy. Let them, don’t make Christmas Day another day about your grievances or disappointments.
Christmas can be a very challenging time for separated parents, especially if you are alternating years. If you do alternate Christmas Day and it is not your year, plan a separate Christmas celebration for you and your children. If possible, have your celebration on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day. If you share the day, make sure you are on time for pick up and give your children a few minutes to say goodbye to the family and friends they are leaving. Expect some tears and sadness; your children will be sad to be leaving their presents and the fun they are having. Make sure there is something fun waiting for them at your celebration.
How you manage Christmas Day varies depending on the ages of your children. Pre-school-age children and toddlers are often happy to go along with the flow. They probably won’t be to upset leaving one home on the promise that Santa has visited the other home.
School-age children can be more demanding and might resist moving between homes, especially if this is a new experience for them. Stay upbeat and enthusiastic about the day you have planned. Be excited to see them and if you are the one doing the driving, play Christmas carols on the drive. If there is family waiting to see them let them know and talk to them about their day so far; let them be happy to share their joy with you.
Teenagers might seem sullen and disinterested, but usually it is a smoke screen, a way not to be excited because being excited isn’t cool (if being cool is still a thing). There will be family they are wanting to see and gifts they are hoping to receive, and they are most likely looking forward to spending time with you, so engage with them, even if you don’t get much back. Be interested in their day and experiences, let them complain if they want to, but don’t become complicit in their disappointment; stay focused on the good time you both will have.
Dianne Loveday FDRP
B.A. (Psych & Soc), (Monash)
Grad Dip., Psychotherapy & Counselling
Grad Dip., Family Dispute Resolution
Nationally Accredited Mediator
Member: AFCC, VDRA, AMA, Resolution Institute
Dianne is the principal mediator at Bayside Mediation, having founded the company in 2013. As a Nationally Accredited Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner and Mediator with over 15 years experience, Dianne works with families to minimise the distress and confusion that comes with the breakdown of a relationship. Dianne’s focus is firmly on the care and wellbeing of the children of the relationship while at the same time ensuring that all agreements reached are fair and equitable to all parties involved. Dianne understands her client’s requirements for a confidential, timely and considered approach to their family’s needs at this most difficult time. Her clients benefit from her experience, knowledge, and training in Family Law; she is able to help her clients make sense of the process of Family Law and support and clarify the choices available to them. Her goal is to help clients create solid, workable agreements that can provide clarity and guidance which allows a couple to move on from their separation. Dianne has undertaken extra training in dealing with difficult personalities and has experience with high-conflict couples. No matter what the circumstances, as a Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner, Dianne endeavours to help separating couples make the best choices possible for their family and their children.
