Holiday Survival Kit: Essential Tools for a Stress-Free Season

The holiday season often evokes images of joy, togetherness, and celebration. However, for many, it also brings a lot of tension, particularly when it comes to navigating family dynamics. While the media portrays holidays as a time of harmony, the reality is that family gatherings can sometimes be the exact opposite. As a clinical psychologist, I can personally attest to the stress this time of year can put on people, and I’d like to offer some insights and strategies to help you survive—and even thrive—during this emotionally charged time.

Understanding the Roots of Family Tensions

Before diving into practical strategies, it might help to reflect on why family tensions can flare up during the holidays. Families are complex systems where each member plays a role that has been shaped over years, sometimes even over generations. These roles can be influenced by past conflicts, differing values, personality clashes, and unresolved emotional wounds.

During the holidays, these dynamics are often brought to the forefront because:

It’s a Celebration: Whether we mean to or not, we often have high expectations that the holidays are going to be about fun and happiness. It can be especially disappointing when the reality doesn’t match.
Stress is Heightened: Actually, the holidays can actually be a busy and incredibly stressful time. Financial strain, travel, hosting responsibilities, the pressure to please everyone, and even just spending time with people who you may not like/have much in common with, can actually make the festive period very difficult.
Expectations of Family: One of the biggest challenges is the ideas that people hold about families – for example, that families should be close or that people in other families all get along. Unfortunately, despite our desire for this to be true and for our family to be perfect, this just isn’t the reality for many people.

Strategies for Surviving Holiday Family Tensions

Set Realistic Expectations

One of the most powerful things you can do is adjust your expectations. Accept that both your family and the holiday season will likely not be perfect and that’s okay. Understand your thinking leading up to these events and maybe try to challenge this a little. Try to recognise that every family has its quirks and flaws. Embrace the imperfections and try to find humour in the situation when possible.

Practice Emotional Regulation

Emotional regulation is the ability to manage and respond to your emotions in a healthy way. During the holidays, you might encounter situations that trigger frustration, disappointment, guilt or many other uncomfortable feelings. It’s crucial to have tools in place to manage these emotions.

Ways to Calm Yourself: For example, when you feel overwhelmed, take slower, deeper breaths or try to let go of tension in your shoulders or jaw, in order to try regulate your nervous system.
Ways to Soothe Yourself: You may wish to use your senses to soothe yourself, like snuggling up to the cat or savouring that delicious pavlova.
Ways to Distract Yourself: Use the situation to shift your focus (at least temporarily) away from what is aggravating you to another part of the situation that is easier. Maybe help out in the kitchen or play with the kids on the trampoline.
Ways to Stay in the Stay In the Moment: Use mindfulness to stay present rather than getting caught up in past grievances or future worries. Mindfulness can help you approach each encounter with a clear mind.
Ways to Take a Time-Out: It’s okay to take a break. If a conversation is becoming heated, excuse yourself for a few minutes to regain your composure. Go to the bathroom, or check the cricket score.

Communicate Effectively

Effective communication is can also be helpful when navigating family dynamics. By this, I mean being clear, assertive, and respectful in your interactions.

Use “I” Statements: When discussing sensitive topics, use “I” statements to express your feelings without blaming others. For example, “I feel hurt when…” instead of “You always…”.
Set Boundaries: If there are certain topics you’d rather not discuss, it’s okay to set boundaries. Politely but firmly let family members know what you’re comfortable with. For example, “I’d really prefer not to discuss politics at the dinner table.”
Listen Actively and Validate Others: Give others the space to express themselves and try understand their perspective. Not only can this defuse tension, but it can also role model the kind of behaviour you would like them to show you (of course, you don’t control whether that actually happens).

Prioritise Self-Care

During the holidays, self-care often takes a backseat, but it’s more important than ever. Taking care of your mental and physical health will help you stay resilient in the face of stress.

Schedule Downtime: Depending on the scenario, make sure to carve out time for yourself.
Stay Active: Physical activity is a powerful stress reliever. Even a short walk can boost your mood and help you clear your mind.
Get Enough Rest: Lack of sleep can make you more emotionally vulnerable. Prioritise rest to keep your energy and mood stable.
Let Go of the Need to Please Everyone: Trying to make everyone happy is an impossible task. Focus on what’s reasonable and sustainable for you, rather than bending over backwards to meet everyone’s expectations.

Have an Exit Strategy

If you anticipate that a family gathering might become too overwhelming, it’s wise to have an exit strategy. This doesn’t necessarily mean leaving the event entirely, but it could involve stepping outside for some fresh air or having a pre-planned reason to leave early if needed.

Designate a Safe Space: Identify a place where you can retreat if you need a moment to yourself. This could be a quiet room in the house or even a short walk outside.
Enlist an Ally: If possible, have someone you trust who understands your situation. They can offer support, help defuse tension, or even provide a reason for you to leave if things become too intense.

Seek Professional Support If Needed

If family tensions are causing significant distress, it may be beneficial to seek the support of a mental health professional. In my experience, people tend to feel a lot of shame and minimise their experiences of having fraught relationships with family members. A psychologist can help you to develop coping strategies, work through difficult and unresolved past experiences, and build resilience for future interactions.

Finding Peace Amidst the Chaos

Surviving family tensions during the holidays is not about avoiding conflict altogether but rather about managing it in a way that protects you. Hopefully this article has provided some ideas about ways you can navigate this challenging time with greater ease. Remember, it’s okay to prioritise your mental health and well-being during the holidays. In doing so, you’ll not only survive the season but also create space for moments of genuine connection and joy.

Dr Sarah Valentine [BSc(Hons), PGDipClPs, PhD]

I am a Clinical Psychologist with many years experience helping adults of all ages to understand, manage and treat their mental health. I am trained to both assess and provide therapy for a broad range of conditions, including anxiety, depression, eating disorders, stress, grief and so on. I am particularly passionate about working with people with have experienced trauma and other difficult life situations, to help them limit the profound ways this can impact people’s lives.

Whilst becoming a parent and raising children is a particularly full and meaningful time of people’s lives, it can also be fraught with challenges and competing priorities. It is the time when we are most needed but also the time when we sometimes need to prioritise our on health in order to be able to care for others.

I am the Co-Director and one of the Principal Psychologists of Cova Psychology, a private psychology clinic. We are a group practice providing psychological services to those based in Melbourne CBD, and via telehealth elsewhere in the country.

Website: https://covapsychology.com/