Preparing your toddler for a new baby

by Susan Moore & Doreen Rosenthal

Your first child has been the centre of your family universe; he or she is used to receiving your undivided attention. Now your preschooler is about to be upstaged by a newcomer. This is not an easy transition for a young child to make and he or she may need some gentle help in managing jealous feelings and accepting that the reality of sharing doesn’t mean that you love him or her any the less.

Regressive behaviours such as thumb-sucking and excessive clinginess often occur in an older child after the arrival of a younger sibling. It may be irritating or distressing to find your toddler, who has previously met all the developmental milestones, has suddenly regressed. All of these behaviours are your child’s way of reminding you that he or she still needs your care and attention. So be reassuring and patient in the face of regressive or immature behaviours on behalf of your first-born. With time and patience, these will disappear.

Some strategies

Talking: Preparation for your younger child can involve talking about what it would be like to have a brother or sister, as well as reading stories about brothers and sisters, and where babies come from. As your pregnancy moves along you can explain to your child in simple terms what is happening, let him feel the kicks, touch your belly and perhaps have some ‘conversations’ together with the unborn baby. These activities may help your toddler bond more strongly with the new baby, and gain some sense of what is to happen, although it won’t really hit home until the baby actually arrives.

Reassuring: It is important to reassure your first child that he or she will still have your love and attention when the new baby comes along. You can talk about him helping and sharing if you like but too much of that can raise the child’s anxiety. Best wait until it happens. Make sure to have some special times with your child before the baby is born. Depending on his age, you might buy him a baby doll to play with so he has his own new baby, or if he is older, a special calendar so you can mark off the months together.

Maintaining stability: Make any significant changes to your first child’s life well in advance of the baby’s birth. For example, if your toddler hasn’t been weaned, think about beginning to do this gradually. Some women breastfeed a baby and a toddler together but it is very tiring and time consuming. Your toddler will lose your undivided attention when the new baby comes along, so it’s better that she doesn’t also lose the comfort of the breast at the same time. Experts tend to suggest that the first child should be weaned about six months before the birth of the second.

Similarly, don’t start toilet training your toddler when new baby arrives. Start well before if she is old enough, or leave it until later, say when baby is about six months old and your toddler has settled into her new routine. She will see that nappy changing is for ‘babies’ and may be more enthusiastic about being the grown-up child.

While toddlers can enjoy the sense of being more grown up, they also adore basking in your love and attention as you baby them. It’s important not to take away all your toddler’s baby privileges at once, and especially not at the same time your next child is born, or she may feel that these deprivations are the new baby’s fault and be more inclined to regress to more babyish ways. Your first child’s life has changed a great deal with the arrival of a sibling. It’s easier for her to cope if you maintain stability in other areas of her life.

Acknowledging emotions: Acknowledge your older child’s emotions about being a sibling, even when these emotions are negative. When parents let their child talk about feelings without criticism, hidden emotions of guilt can be eliminated or reduced and a sense of trust and open communication is fostered. Most young children have ambivalent feelings towards their new sibling. Allowing them to express these provides an opportunity for emotional growth. Encouragingly, research results show that an initial reaction of anger or antagonism to a sibling does not necessarily predict poor sibling relations.

Help your toddler feel important after the baby’s arrival

Encourage him or her to help in the care of the baby by doing simple tasks like fetching nappies, helping with bath time or pushing the pram.
Where possible and depending on age, encourage her to become more independent by dressing and feeding herself. But importantly, this should not occur simultaneously with the birth of the baby but as early as possible beforehand.
Praise her achievements and the responsibilities that go along with being older —things the new baby can’t do yet because he is too young.
Set aside some time to spend alone with him or her on a regular basis.

The sibling bond is an important one, that stays with us throughout our lives. Brothers and sisters can help support each other, learn from each other and share life’s troubles and joys. Preparing your child for the arrival of a new baby is the first step in encouraging and fostering that bond – as well as a step that will make the parenting task an easier one.

This article is an adapted excerpt from:

Moore, S. & Rosenthal, D. (2019). Second child: Everything you need to help you decide, plan for and enjoy a second child. NSW: Big Sky Publishing.

Want to know more? https://www.bigskypublishing.com.au/books/second-child/

Note: Emeritus Professor Susan Moore and Emeritus Professor Doreen Rosenthal are widely published developmental social psychologists whose major research interests encompass key transitions across life stages, including parenting, adolescence, grandparenting and retirement. They have co-authored ten books together, as well as dozens of refereed journal articles and book chapters.