Kiddipedia
By: Jari Evertsz, Clinical Psychologist and author of The Well-Behaved Teenager (and Other Myths)
What are your greatest concerns for the teenagers in your life? Is it the risk of them coming to some sort of harm? Or making the wrong life choices? As a psychologist, one of the biggest concerns that I’ve noticed is the level of threat to their sense of wellbeing. Teenagers today face a cascade of influences that we just didn’t have to deal with. The incredible array of influences pushing them to ‘need’ the ‘right’ consumer goods. Airbrushed images of perfection everywhere. And the relentless daily exposure of social media where you can’t just take a few days off, and it doesn’t seem ok to falter a little along the way.
A strong sense of self and appropriate confidence are crucially important, but building these up takes a bit of skill, and a clear appreciation of their unique qualities along with an awareness of their areas of struggle. Confidence has several components including our feelings of competency, our stock of bolstering experiences, and the type of support and validation that we’ve received along the way. It needs to be strongly anchored and deeply felt. We can support teenagers to grow lasting self-confidence by:
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Help them appreciate who they really are
Teens need to understand and accept their talents, qualities and minor shortcomings. Your affectionate observations to your child will resonate with them and won’t be forgotten. (These land best at low-stress times rather than when there is a problem to be solved.)
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Develop competency
Support teens to develop genuine competency in an area outside what’s offered by school or a sport played on a court or pitch. Would they like to join agility training with the family dog? Could they develop their baking skills to an amazing level?
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Find a mentor
Inviting teens to have involvement in something that a family member does (if they enjoy it) so that there is a mentoring component. Helping out their grandfather in his handyman or landscaping business each holidays, or an auntie with her food delivery business, would build some great skills and autonomy.
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Blend generations
Involving teens in a regular activity which includes a range of age groups and where they can be useful builds confidence, connection and communication skills. Helping out in the footy club canteen, or taking on a role making sandwiches for the church morning teas also helps to develop responsibility.
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Build resilience
Exposing teens to controlled adversity where it is safe and they can rely on support is important as it is often a missing factor in daily life. Helping out with your garden landscaping (while it’s raining) or taking part in a charity overnight bike ride will help their problem-solving and resilience.
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Allow alone time
Allowing teens regular time with peers doing something physical which is not organised and which does not feature adults hovering close by will help them find their own sense of self. Activities with friends such as skateboarding, going for bike rides, grooming their dogs and then taking them out, allow young teens to explore the world safely and take a break from adults and family.
Building self-confidence is a powerful tool for creating independent, resilient adults. If you can help your teen develop this early, the happier they will be.
Jari Evertsz is a Melbourne-based clinical psychologist and author of The Well-Behaved Teenager (and Other Myths), now available in ebook and paperback from inspiringbookshop.com, Amazon, and all good bookshops.
